More Ways to Go on a Date with Life
Sep/090
Yesterday I suggested that the rules that apply to successful dating could be applied more widely to life in general. After all, when we go on a date, we want our partner to see us at our best – and what could be better than being at your best all the time?
With that in mind, I listed 6 guidelines that apply as well to life as to dating, and today I’m back with 6 more. Since life, like dating, can take a lot of different forms, these are still only brushing the surface, and I encourage readers to leave their own tips for dating and for life in the comments. Who knows, we might all become better at both!
1. A negative outcome can be better than a positive one.
Everyone wants to be liked. On dates, this often leads us to settle for less than we really want to avoid the negative consequence of being poorly liked by our partner. This, in turn, can give rise to awful relationships – disrespectful, overly dramatic, even abusive ones. If the goal of dating in general is to find that special person you want to share your life with, though, you need to risk being not liked by your partner – why waste time with someone that isn’t what you’re looking for? Every date that ends without the promise of a call can be chalked up as a success – provided you didn’t bend your character around what you assume s/he would like best. In life, too, failures can often be seen as successes, provided you learn from them and carry those lessons forward, and provided they were come by honestly, through your commitment to your own goals.
2. Be yourself.
It hurts me to see people pretend to be other than they are in order to impress a date. Pretending to have more money (or less), more education (or less), or different tastes than you have is such an awful strategy – first of all, who wants to build a relationship with someone who doesn’t accept you for you, and second of all, what’s going to happen when eventually the truth comes out (which it almost always does)? While there’s something to be said for the old maxim “Fake it until you make it”, as a general rule following your own dreams in your own way is the only real road to success and happiness. Doing things because others think you should (or because you think they think that) is bound to be unsatisfying, and incredibly difficult to maintain any kind of real motivation for.
3. Practice seduction.
Dating is all about revealing yourself over time with the intention of drawing a partner to you, eager to learn more. Likewise in life, people who are both interesting enough to merit attention (what Seth Godin means when he says “Be remarkable”) and open enough to allow their interestingness to shine draw others to them. But it’s all about the timing – reveal everything at once and you become nothing but a resource to be used and discarded; reveal too little too slowly and you become a bore.
4. The start foretells the finish.
Although there are exceptions, for the most part the way you and your partner interact on a first date sets the tone for everything that follows. If you’re open, honest, and comfortable at the beginning, chances are you’ll remain so throughout your relationship; be too closed off, self-conscious, dishonest, or negative, and you’re setting yourself up for failure – even if you and your date really like each other. When we say “first impressions count”, we’re saying much the same thing, but it’s deeper than just impressions. I know that as an educator, the way I interact with my students on the first day of class will carry through the whole semester; if I am personable and interact with them a lot, I can expect a highly engaged classroom, whereas if I do all the talking and take an authoritative tone, I can expect to spend the next 15 weeks lecturing with a minimum of student questions or input. Taking pains to get things off on the right foot can go a long way towards avoiding complications later on.
5. Be on time.
Really. Woody Allen once said that 90% of life is just showing up, and at least half of that is doing it on time. Imagine a date where your partner is late – what does that tell you about his or her feelings about meeting you? Now, imagine he or she is late for the first 5 dates? The first 10? Now what do you think of their attitude? Being late suggests that you don’t value the other person’s time, that you don’t believe they have anything better to do than to wait for you. It can also suggest that you’re incompetent and disorganized – not exactly qualities people look for in a person they potentially want to build a life with. Or in any other area – what applies to dating applies just as easily to the workplace, family gatherings, and just about everything else. While being punctual often goes unnoticed, being tardy sends powerful messages that are often nearly impossible to recover from.
6. Just say no – until you’re ready to say yes.
When it comes to sex, most of us are pretty aware of whether we’re ready or not with any given partner. Some of us are hot to trot after a good first date, others want to be married, and most of us fall somewhere in between. Regardless of your preferences in that regard, we all feel taken advantage of when a partner seems to demand we “give it up” before we’re ready. While most of us are fairly adept at keeping our pants on until we’re ready, in the rest of our lives we often stumble over “no” and commit ourselves to projects we either don’t want to do or don’t have time to do. This also leaves us feeling taken advantage of. Learn to say “no” when you need to – you’ll respect yourself for it in the morning.
Let’s hear your tips in the comments below!
Dustin M. Wax is a freelance writer and project manager at Stepcase Lifehack. He is also the creator of The Writer’s Technology Companion, a site devoted to the tools of the writing trade. When he’s not writing, he teaches anthropology and gender studies in Las Vegas, NV. He is the author of Don’t Be Stupid: A Guide to Learning, Studying, and Succeeding at College.
Follow him on Twitter: @dwax.
How to Be Lucky
Aug/090
Let me give you what might seem a strange piece of advice – be lucky. Sometimes you have good luck and sometimes you have bad luck. But do you have a choice? Can you make your own luck? Dr. Richard Wiseman has studied why some people are lucky and others are not. He advises that there are four main traits that lucky people have that help them to be ‘lucky’.
- They create, notice, and act upon chance opportunities that come up.
- They make good decisions using their intuition as well as their logic.
- They have positive expectations about the future.
- They don’t let bad luck get them down; they find a way to turn it into good fortune.
There are more details in his book, The Luck Factor.
By changing your attitudes, behaviours and actions you can change your luck. If you see obstacles as opportunities rather than difficulties then you can turn them to your advantage. If you notice unusual things and think laterally you can see novel openings. This is particularly true in the contexts of creativity and innovation.
- Sir Alexander Fleming noticed that a growth of mold in a petri dish resisted bacteria. He investigated this and discovered penicillin.
- Clarence Birdseye noticed that people in Canada kept fish fresh by packing them in ice. He developed this idea and created frozen food industry.
- Percy Spencer noticed that a chocolate bar in his pocket melted when he stood in front of a magnetron. He used this insight to help develop the microwave oven.
- Hiram Maxim found two problems when he went shooting. There was a powerful recoil after each shot which hurt his shoulder and he then had to go to the trouble of reloading. He wondered whether he could use one problem to solve the other. He invented the Maxim machine gun which used the energy from the recoil force to eject each spent cartridge and insert the next one.
Each of these people was doubtless called lucky by some contemporaries. But their ‘luck’ was the product of observation, insight and action.
Many people blame bad luck for their failures – especially on ventures where they invested considerable time and effort. People with positive outlooks recognise that each obstacle is a step along the way and that there is much that can be learned from setbacks. They learn lessons from reverses and they seek out fresh opportunities. They are always optimistic and receptive to ideas. They see opportunities in situations where others give up. They make their own good luck.
When the great golfer, Gary Player, was asked why he was so lucky he replied, ‘The harder I work, the luckier I get.’ So the lessons are clear. There is a way to be lucky. It involves a positive attitude, hard work, observation, preparedness, action and a willingness to see every setback as a learning opportunity and a step towards success.
Paul Sloane is an author and speaker on leadership, innovation and lateral thinking. His most recent book is The Innovative Leader. He helps organizations improve innovation, creativity and leadership. He is the founder of Destination Innovation. He has written 15 books of lateral thinking puzzles and hosts the lateral puzzles forum.
The Need to Lead
Aug/090
The greatest need we have today, in every area, is for men and women to practice the values of integrity, discipline, responsibility, courage, and long time perspective, both as individuals and in their families. These are the key qualities of leadership.
Our society needs leaders at all levels who practice the principles that lead to long term-success. Especially, we need people in positions of authority and political power to support and encourage others, whose lives and work they influence, to develop character and resist the tendency to act expediently in ways that are harmful to themselves and others.
Everyone needs to take “The Values Pledge” to live by it and then encourage others to live by it. It is only the solid bulwark of character, based on values, virtues, long-term thinking and the accurate assessment of secondary consequences that can curb and mitigate the destructive influences and behavior of the E-Factor.
Live In Truth
The philosopher Immanuel Kant postulated what he called “The Universal Maxim.” He suggested that “you should live your life as though your every act were to become universal law for all people.” I wrote earlier that the very best judge of truth for you is to ask, “Is it true for me?” If everyone was to be encouraged to live your life as though your every act were to become universal principle for all others, most government policies and programs would be abolished overnight. The fact is that, the only way that many something for nothing ideas in government and society can be put forward is with the hope that most people will not take advantage of them.
Think about it. What if everyone were to go on welfare? What if everyone were to apply for every government program that was available to them? What if everyone dedicated themselves to doing the very least amount of work that they could get away with? What if everyone began spending all their time trying to get free money from anywhere that it might be available?
Four Questions to Stay on Track
There are four questions that you can ask and answer every day to keep yourself on track in each part of your life. First, ask yourself, “What kind of a world would this be if everyone in it was just like me?”
When you ask and answer this question honestly, you will admit that if everyone in the world was just like you, this would probably not be the best of all possible worlds. Look into yourself and think about some of the things that you could change or do differently to become a better “citizen of the world.”
The second question you can ask is, “What kind of a country would America be, if everyone in it was just like me?”
This is perhaps the most important question that we can ask and answer of ourselves. If everyone in America did the same thing that you did, every single day, would America be better, happier, healthier, and a more prosperous democracy? If not, what are some of the changes that you can make in your behaviors that would make America a better place?
The third question you can ask is, “What kind of a company would my company be if everyone in it was just like me?”
If you are honest with yourself, you will see different things that you could do to become a more valuable and important contributor to your company. Perhaps you should start a little earlier, work a little harder or stay a little later. Perhaps you could volunteer for more assignments, or upgrade your knowledge and skills as they relate to your job. How could you become the very best person you could possibly become at your work?
The final question, and perhaps the more important, is, “What kind of family would my family be is everyone in it was just like me?”
If everyone in your family behaved the way you do, and treated everyone else the way you treat them, would your family be a warmer, happier, and more loving group of people? What could you do, starting today, to be a better family member?
Take the High Road
The true mark of the superior person is that he sets high standards for himself, and refuses to compromise those standards for any reason. He sees himself as a role model for others. He behaves at all times as if everyone was watching, even when no one is watching.
The truly superior person does not give into forces of expediency. He does not seek something for nothing. He refuses to take anything to which he is not entitled. He insists upon earning everything he gets. He practices the Golden Rule and treats everyone the way he would like to be treated himself. He sets high standards for himself and continually strives to meet those standards himself. If everyone in America were to take the pledge below, this would be a better country in every way.
The Values Pledge
“I hereby resolve to clarify my values and then to live by these values, to remain true to the very best I know, and to be the best person I can possibly be.
I will not compromise what I know to be right for any reason. I will live my life as though my every act was to become a universal law for everyone else. “
Action Exercise
Let us look now at the current dilemma we find ourselves in today, the problem and difficulties that the out-of-control force of the E-factor, multiplied times the desire to get something for nothing, have gotten us into, and how we can get out of them.
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